Monday Exhaustion

Wow. I am worn out. We have and are still having a run of birthdays, my mother in law is 101 and yesterday my Mother turned 90. Being housebound is hard sometimes but I see it as a blessing, more on that later. Our house has been busy busy busy, Today we have another birthday my eldest granddaughter turns 10, Meanwhile we are caring for our currently youngest granddaughter who is all of nine months.

All these celebrations (there were many more) make keeping my blood glucose levels under control more difficult than it ought to be. I have been upping my insulin dose every fourth day with minimal success. Treating diabetes is glacial, it seems to me, they (health professionals) seem in hurry. Crippled by neuropathy I would rather speed things up, For over three years I have been telling them my BG’s were too high. Still the upside is it doesn’t half cause weight loss. I am the third generation of diabetics, my Nana, Mother and myself I was finally diagnosed about twenty years ago although I have had it for much longer but that’s another story.

I am struggling with amitryptiline. My heart rate is all over the place and frequently high enough to be uncomfortable as it thumps in my chest, But unlike the last 19 years it has killed the black place where the kill yourself suicide demon lives. It’s an unfashionable drug these days mainly used for pain relief for damaged nerves, for me it is working better as an antidepressant than as pain relief.

Anyway enough of the moans. Why is being housebound a blessing, For me it takes away the distractions and allows me to lead a semi monastic life of simplicity. Keeps me closer to the Lord. One of these days I will write a post about making this a catholic home. Only if you are blind will you fail to notice this is a quietly catholic home, albeit I am the only catholic living here, my wife remains wedded to Protestantism.

1999 and all that

I don’t really want to talk about this year. Yet I must. Firstly and this can’t be stated strongly enough I was happy, life was going well for once. Yet come Holy Week my UC flared up and I was signed off work. I had no idea I would never work again. The usual high doses of steroids were to be taken. Visiting the Dr he had a trainee with him and asked questions he perhaps might not have asked. I explained all the normal side effects but added a new one concerning my tongue. This flagged something to him and he drew blood. Later that afternoon he phoned me my Blood Glucose levels were 32 (normal range 4-7). I had diabetes. What a relief to get a diagnosis at last! And no worries about having been around diabetes since I was a young lad. Quickly brought under control. And then without warning the darkness descended and I wanted to kill my self. I wouldn’t of course because I am a Christian. But boy did I think and plan it every waking minute. Unknown to me knives, pills etc were all hidden from me on the Dr’s advice. Then I became almost catatonic. Everything moved so slowly in my mind that it could take me an hour or more to find the energy and ability to answer a simple question that required a yes / no answer.

By May 2001 I was retired on grounds of ill health. Never once though did my faith leave me if anything it grew stronger. 

Eventually I ended up under the care of a psychiatrist. She was good. But while I improved a little over time I never and to this day it remains true returned to my old self. Then the difficulty in using my right side began to get worse and the chronic pain started.

Enough for today this is way way too painful to write about. It doesn’t help. It is not cathartic. Without my lovely wife things would have been different perhaps. I survived it all even although for months and years there was only God’s light to guide me.

Was it all darkness no? There are, as anyone who has ever suffered with depression will tell you, rage and anger beyond comprehension. Violent outbursts, smashing my head off a wall, plunging knives into kitchen units. Uncontrollable rage. It’s part of the disease one of the symptoms. Then there is of course the paranoia, the anxiety so intense and prolonged it cripples you to a standstill. It is an emotional rollercoaster of incredible depths. There are no heights, no breaking the water into sunlit breathable air, just drowning.

I live now in the shallows of that experience, I cannot get to the shore and the call of the depths is always beckoning. A great black shadow threatening always to encircle me. It is survivable.

If you are suffering from Depression do not listen to the killing voice. Like me you may never recover but you can and should survive.

Augustine x

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