It’s been awhile

Sometimes my health both physical and mental debilitates me. Like an impenetrable dark thicket between me and the world. I have to cling then to prayers without words. I take the pain, the grief, the darkness, the twisted girders and hold them up in my mind in a bowl and offer it constantly to God. There are no words and almost never any comfort to be gained. But I offer it up for others that my suffering might be efficacious. The Lord appears distant. There is great emptiness, loneliness, isolation. Do I doubt, no I don’t not even when my … Continue reading It’s been awhile

A Confession

This going to be hard to write. Health is not with me today and my thoughts are less than focussed. When I was a Conservative Evangelical Clergyman the rules were the rules. Harsh judgement on all those who had hardened their hearts to sin and The Bible. There was little in the way of gentle love or forgiveness and for a while I bought into this semi fundamentalist approach. I wasn’t kind or gentle and I am thoroughly ashamed of the coldness of heart that goes with Calvinism. I feel guilt to this very day about how wrong I was … Continue reading A Confession

The Day I Long For

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4 Feeling particularly battered today by my various illnesses. This is true of my major depressive order which today has me crippled with anxiety so that I can barely breath. There is no external cause for this at all. I just feel crushed by it. I run to God, the Blessed Virgin and my saints. I seek comfort and peace but find none so I offer … Continue reading The Day I Long For

Secret Catholic

Although my reception into the Catholic Church was done secretly and remains secret even to this day from certain family members and others, I nevertheless despite some opposition decided to make my home as Catholic as was possible. In the entrance hall is a small crucifix fixed to the wall. I touch it daily with prayer as though it were a mezuzah in Jewish home. Each room bar one has a crucifix or icon so that my eyes my fall on them frequently to remind me to offer prayer and praise. A cross beside my bed a rosary hangs on … Continue reading Secret Catholic

Hey Up A Political Post!

Not really just a worried patient. This whole no deal Brexit terrifies me on a human level but I will leave it all in the hands of the Lord, so it will be as it should be. I trust. Anyway I take a lot of medication I take it for pain, depression, diabetes, asthma and more. So what about my insulin it’s made in the EU and not in the UK, will my insulin disappear, probably! Can it be stock piled, no it can’t? Sigh, loss of any of these medications will be a major desperate problem for me. Do … Continue reading Hey Up A Political Post!

Catholic Twitter

What a joy it is to share on #CatholicTwitter as a housebound (for the most part) person and the only catholic convert in my family it is proving a great blessing. So often posters say to me “Welcome Home”! That’s exactly how I feel after spending decades in the unsatisfying desert of Protestantism where I always felt ill at ease even as clergyman. How great and good God is to us all. From Catholic Twitter I have received this morning some of the prayer cards from St Theresa’s visit to Cardin. A rosary is also promised from another user. What … Continue reading Catholic Twitter

Shattered Dreams lead to a better place

My hidden world. The time of reflection has arrived, at least for me anyway. I am reaching the end and I have an opportunity to look back over the decades and reflect on my life.  The first thing I am aware of is the fact that absolutely nothing I dreamed of up to the age of 21 has remotely come to pass. At that age I knew with certainty where and what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to live and how it was all going to work. It seemed so clear, I had finished University … Continue reading Shattered Dreams lead to a better place

Surviving Each Day

By bedtime I usually get to a place where I feel almost human. Every night I go to bed hoping the next morning will be better. I wake after about six hours. I feel awful, dead, buzzing in my head, eyes not working and in pain so I have to get up straight away. That is a struggle. The world is very dark, a dark dark place, my mind is like treacle. My wife usually has coffee waiting, I always expect it to help. It doesn’t. Then the toilet trips start. Medicine is ingested. Seven pills to start, inhalers, eye … Continue reading Surviving Each Day