Secret Catholic

Although my reception into the Catholic Church was done secretly and remains secret even to this day from certain family members and others, I nevertheless despite some opposition decided to make my home as Catholic as was possible. In the entrance hall is a small crucifix fixed to the wall. I touch it daily with prayer as though it were a mezuzah in Jewish home. Each room bar one has a crucifix or icon so that my eyes my fall on them frequently to remind me to offer prayer and praise. A cross beside my bed a rosary hangs on the headboard. Above the entrance to my study/oratory is the icon of Christ Pantocrator.

To my right in the chair where I spend my waking hours is a plain white statue of Our Lady. In my line of sight is the holy icon of the holy family with an electric candle burning throughout the day.

In my pocket is my Rosary. I can do nothing except under the constant reminder that I exist under the rule of the Lord of the Universe.

On my iPhone Universalis pops up a message on the hour every hour. At 12 and 3 an alarm goes off and I remember and pray. These all help me along the journey.

When possible I go to church services tv to the same parish for Mass. Universalis has commentaries on the daily readings at mass I also subscribe to the audio version as my eyesight is poor and thus I daily enjoy and pray the Office of Readings.

I try to structure my day to keep God constantly to the forefront of my mind which is in poor health. Today I am thoroughly rattled and extremely anxious (part of my mental illness) sparked off due to a letter for a hospital appointment. I can barely breathe through the pain of it all. I don’t cope with life anymore unless it runs on predictable rails. Again part of my mental illness. I doubt not the constant presence of the Divine and I trust but it doesn’t mean I can’t be frozen in fear and crippled with anxiety.

I will return to peace but I am in a stormy sea that only time and the Lord can bring to calmness. As to the interior of my Oratory that has to remain private as I have something there I have been asked to keep to myself as it isn’t anything normally found in a Catholic home. I obey.

What do you do?