As anyone who knows me or has read my blog here you will know I suffer from a major depressive order and have done so for the last twenty years. The new medication (an old drug) is the first to remove the locked box (where suicide lives) from my life which is absolutely great.
But, there is always a but, I feel so tired and lethargic at the moment with joy sucked out of my being. It makes prayer hard. Now I persist everyday in Mass (too crippled to actually go) via Churchservices.tv and always to St Joseph’s in Bishop Stortford as well as weekly communion from my Eucharistic minister and frequently from my excellent priest and regular house Masses. I pray for people every day and manage at least the Office of Readings. Everywhere my most imperfect vision looks I see a crucifix, an icon a small statue. Every room I enter I am reminded of my faith and my God. It is a long haul on these dark days of misery. I never doubt the Lord is here but oh how I long for some light in the darkness how futile it can seem especially when I lose attention and my mind wanders off somewhere else.
Even in my darkest semi catatonic days in the early stages when death and suicide were just about the only things in my mind I knew that I couldn’t take my own life as God was there even in that dark dark haunted state of mind.
So I’m more than a bit fed up struggling at the moment and truly fed up with not getting my blood glucose results down I keep cranking up the insulin but still way too high. I have enough neuropathy that has deprived me of movement and balance and pain, I don’t need more! That’s more than two years without proper control.
However do not let me leave you thinking I have no reasons for joy. I have seven grandchildren and another on the way and they all live very close to me. I have great Dr, a great wife and nothing to worry about that actually matters in terms of day to day life.
I could do with another hug from God. But even that door is closed. It is a long dark night but I go on I await that great release.