Shattered Dreams lead to a better place

My hidden world.

The time of reflection has arrived, at least for me anyway. I am reaching the end and I have an opportunity to look back over the decades and reflect on my life. 

The first thing I am aware of is the fact that absolutely nothing I dreamed of up to the age of 21 has remotely come to pass. At that age I knew with certainty where and what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to live and how it was all going to work. It seemed so clear, I had finished University (I thought) knew my career path, knew a job was waiting and I was about to get married (that worked out and still does).

Three years later my world had turned upside down and I was on a  completely different trajectory. For a start I was back at a University. 

The second thing I realise as I look back how many terrible things happened to me and yet out of them came great good. Before I had even finished Primary School I had been propelled into secondary education which was to me the worst thing to happen in my young life and then my parents decided to move and I had to leave behind my home and move to a new build. Oh I cried. I withdrew. It was awful. I never did like where we lived. My world was in utter tatters. It was a nightmare. Three years of hell. However without those two incidents I would never have met my wife. The first time I saw her in the school in the year below me I looked at her and thought I’ll marry her. Not that I was going to do anything about it, ever. But circumstances that came out of those two horrible events finally brought us together.

Out of the bad came the good. How foolish we are to think we have a clue what is happening in our lives. We don’t. We may think we do but we don’t.

The Break

I was in too much pain to continue the above and now I have lost both the flow and the thread. But what I am trying to say to all those younger than me is relax, looking back the biggest disasters brought the greater rewards something not obvious for many years sometimes and until now when I can look back and see the rich tapestry of my life. I should have of course trusted a lot more. I should have trusted rather than worried. This is particularly true of my multiple chronic conditions and disabilities out of that path which seemed like such a disaster has come the greatest good in my life.

Planning Ahead

The plan is to continue this blog until I die or become too incapacitated to continue, so that I can chronicle the end of life, the end of the journey, as I wait to start my real life. That was the plan but since I tap this out with a single digit of my left hand and if I recognise the signs my left arm is suffering the first signs of neuropathy. It is most unpleasant even the gentlest touch on the screen is painful. However I trust and will continue.

I used to Blog daily but when deciding to have another go at I decided weekly. That was wise.

Again I had to stop as it was painful. I am sure I had something else to say. But there you go it has all gone. However I have no idea how I would have coped with all that life has thrown at me without an absolutely unshakeable faith. Not in things unseen but real spiritual experiences of the divine. Ask and you will receive said Jesus. Tried and tested.

Augustine x

A black and white photo outside a caravan in the early 1950s. A man and his son (me)
An old Photo

6 thoughts on “Shattered Dreams lead to a better place

  1. I can endorse all of what you say here Augustine. It has worked for me this way too. On the neuropathy issue, I too have that problem, in many places in my body, including my fingers. If it becomes too painful to type, you can get Apps whereby you can dictate what you wish to say and it types it for you. It doesn’t always pick things up totally correctly, but enough to make sens, and you can always hopefully put a word or two right. I do hope you can keep blogging because I would like to be able to follow you and your thoughts to the end. I am on the same journey.

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    1. Hello Augustine. Well I am assuming that you use a laptop? I actually use an iPad, and they have built into them a microphone that you just speak into. I don’t know how much you know about iPads or if you have seen one. But the keyboard is on the screen and you don’t type normally anyway, but at the left hand side of the keyboard below the last row of letters, there is the microphone symbol. You just press it, then speak. Once, though, it typed “a tax” instead of “attacks” so you need to watch it, which is hard for as visually impaired people. But it is a boon. Saves a lot of time too. Then, also, you can put a Kindle App onto the iPad, and then download books (including some theology ones, spiritual ones, philosophy ones, as well as novels etc.). Then you can turn “Voice Over” on, and it reads the books to you. In a bit of a strange vouce but better than not being able to read at all. Like you, I feel this to be one of my biggest losses. I love books. I don’t know if that helps, but please feel free to ask me any questions. 😊

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    2. Ah yes I am using an iPad Pro I don’t have a lap top I do have a desktop computer but that’s mainly used to manage two internet radio stations I set up years ago. I tried in the past to use the microphone feature but it didn’t work too well for me. I had hoped there was a magic app to help. I can’t stand the computer voice on the voice over I listen to my books via audible and amazon echo devices so I just have to ask it to play it will also read kindle books as well but it’s not great to listen to x

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    3. Oh right, Augustine. I must admit that the microphone thingy doesn’t always do what you want it to. My iPads are very new and I can just about use the mucrophone. Don’t know how old yours is but they seem to alter things all the time. I understand about the books and yes that voice is horrible. For me, though, it is the best I can do x

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    4. Augustine I believe you can get Apps for laptops too. I know that you can get something called JAWS which is rather expensive (over £1000) but may be worth it. I don’t know much about it but I will ask my husband what he knows as he thought of buying it for me. Like you, I have pain and cannot bear the weight of things very much. Let me know if you want to know more about that too.

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