I am exhausted trying to keep my head above water. How easy it would be to sink, only I can’t. My body is driving me to distraction, I have tingling all over it has been like this for days. My blood glucose readings are far too high, this will lead to more problems. The medical profession is terribly slow in dealing with this. My mood is awful I have lost interest in everything. My badly damaged bowel is creating more problems than I care to share in polite company.
Outwardly of course my life appears cushy. I am safe and secure in my home, money is not a problem. I have run the course of my life so I don’t need to worry about careers, mortgages and all the other issues. Our car is supplied via motability so that is a zero worry situation. We live modestly and comfortably. Our children are well and healthy and all live very close to us no further than five minutes away. Our grandchildren are gorgeous and fun. We do have an autistic grandchild but we all have learned so much about this and when not “gone” he is a delight and very very bright.
My blessings are many, my faith has deepened rather than weakened over the last two decades as if God were doing this to me as some crazies think. Being a Christian is not easy in this current climate although we talk little about it we are mocked and persecuted and that is as it should be I guess since we are not citizens of this world. I offer all that I suffer to the Lord with thanksgiving.
Faith? A strange thing in fact. When fifty years ago the love of my life attended church I thought I should test this religion idea out. I was deeply sceptical. However I read. I tested ideas. I challenged ideas. And I tried to talk to God and I wasn’t sure he was there. All the time studying physics, chemistry and maths at University. To my delight and I have to say surprise I encountered the divine in love because God is love. The reality of God was so profound I couldn’t deny his existence anymore than I could the existence of the Sun. It is not for me an intellectual construct, it is a real living dynamic experience. I have spent decades now studying religion, theology and the history of Christianity in great depth I even did another degree in theology. Slowly truth was sorted out from the chaff that floats around about religion.
A few years ago I left Protestantism behind and became a Roman Catholic. As one wise Priest said, the Catholic Church my be absolutely awful but it is the real deal. It is, as I found, and now I am at rest. I am the only member of my family to be a Catholic. Some are embarrassed by this especially given the extent of anti-Catholic feeling and prejudice in this area of Orange Lodges.
That enormous intellect Augustine (of Hippo) was such an important influence on me that my final thesis was on Augustine and his time as a Manichee. So much so that I took his name at my Confirmation and Reception into the Catholic Church. The other enormous influence on my life was and is Blessed John Henry Newman whose journey and writings are so deep and convincing.
So despite the enormous difficulties with my health and my mental illness the one bedrock that stops me falling into oblivion and suicide is my journey with God. No matter how far I fall into hell He is there with me.
Augustine + x